Five Kinds of WhatsApp Groups

Eketi Ette
February 17, 2020
Op- Eds
25 Comments

Not much of an intro, except to say that after some intense research, I have discovered five major kinds of WhatsApp groups, the twelve kinds of members in them and I’m going to share this information with you, whether you like it or not. Here goes:

The Planning group, set up to organise for some kind of event, be it wedding, anniversary or birthday. The worst gathering under this group is the Committee of Friends group for weddings. I cannot quantify how much I dislike this group. To get everyone to agree on the colour/fabric of the asoebi is wahala. To get members to pay up for the collective gift is double wahala.
Then one person will want to use all the money to buy asoebi and forget that we need to buy a gift for the couple. He/she will remind you that, “we should look good for the bride and groom.”

I don’t like asoebi. Once I say I don’t want to wear it, there’s always that one person who’ll say, “Sister, it doesn’t make you any less than you are. It’s just to make the couple happy. Wear it, so that others will wear it on your own day, in Jesus name.”

The Family group as its name implies is for family members only. It can be for the nuclear family alone or include the grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, and ancestors. I don’t want to be a part of this group unless it’s just me and my siblings. I don’t want wahala.
One of my friends, her grandmother opened a family group on WhatsApp and added everyone. Everybody’s matter is tabled there for family discussion. Mfonobong didn’t greet me today. Elder brother’s children don’t come to visit me. Why? Senior sis is refusing to let my son stay in her house and write JAMB. Discuss.

Uncle Chibuzor is a smart man. Be like Uncle Chibuzor.

The school group is for students to plan class events, parties and pretend that they’re working together on assignments and term papers.

We see you people.

Next is the Alumni group for those who have left school, but school doesn’t want to leave them. The idea behind this gathering of old students, is to plan alumni reunions. But somehow, this group is mainly used to ‘humbly’ show off how much ‘Oluwa is involved’ in your achievements. Especially to those classmates who back in school, refused to tear the middle sheets from their exercise books for you. Or the ones who refused to share their food with you. You can now pepper them effectively, by posting short videos of your pantry containing fifty bags of rice.

The sub-group of the main group is like the church-affiliate school fellowship. The headquarters is usually on Facebook, or a bigger WhatsApp group. This is set up for grassroots reach and efficiency.

The friends’ group is usually set up by women. Bet me, before the year runs out, a fight will break out and one person will leave this group. The other friends will then freely talk about how she was always the odd one out in their clique.

Now we’ve seen the groups, I’ll talk about the members in the next post. Ciao!